Disclaimer: due to the fact that my body was trying to digest my brain, I must warn you that there may be a fair amount of language in the following post. Either don’t read it or sit back and enjoy it, complaining that I have offended you will get you nowhere.

I must admit I am rather frustrated at the moment. I will say, that after the chaos that was the last few weeks that life has gotten back to somewhat normal but that is for another post. Right now this is about me.

Back before the holidays I noticed that my jeans were getting a little tight and I was possibly getting a little fluffy around the danger zones, AKA, butt, thighs and gut. Unlike some people I decided to do something about it. I have never really had to worry about my weight, in fact based on most of the charts on the internet I’m only about 10 lbs overweight for my age and height. Honestly, I know quite a bit about health and fitness and for my current size it wouldn’t take much effort to really be fit.

One of my main concerns all along has been the health of myself and kids. It’s no secret that most of the crap we eat is going to give you cancer or diabetes so why would you not try to make some kind of effort? I would certainly like to avoid being one of those people who have to take high blood pressure, high cholesterol and all the other maintenance drugs that have become so mainstream.

In any case, I drug my fluffy butt to my friendly neighborhood library to find some books on health and weight loss. After harassing the guy behind the counter asking him to look up books that I know are either not there or never existed I work my way to the fat chick section of the library. I pick up a few books and then one stands out, ‘The Abs Diet’. I know I have heard about it and then ponder if maybe I have checked it out before. I then turn over to the recipe part of the book and find a notice to pick up mail from the post office dated in March…. with my name on it, FAIL!

So I decide to give the book another shot and take it home. I went thru the book for about 6 weeks digesting all of it’s skinny bitch knowledge and even tried a few recipes this time. I had already given up the carbonated sodas and a great deal of the sugar so I was already feeling pretty good without really consulting the book, and yes, my fluffy butt was fitting back in the jeans.

Then the holidays rolled around. I figured as long as I ate healthy the rest of the time and exercised I could enjoy all the fatty, sugary goodness that is Thanksgiving and Christmas without batting an eye. The problem is, after eating healthy for awhile this food I used to truly enjoy left me feeling rather sick and run down. To a degree this was a good thing but I enjoyed my can o cranberry sauce with cool whip much less because of it. The other down fall is you can’t just leave this crap sitting in your fridge ignoring it because it will talk to you. Now you feel guilty because kids in some other country might be starving so it’s your duty to eat this stuff and be a fat ass, you know, for the children.

When Christmas rolled around I actually ended up sick, which was a shock. I typically don’t get sick but with everybody bringing in the fat laden goodness of Christmas to work every day for 2 weeks you become weak and your immunity pays for it. I knew I had hit bottom when I tried to enjoy a glass of coke from a 2 liter and it tasted like syrup.

So after the holidays it was time to get back on track. I was all gung ho until my mom saw the abs diet book lying on the couch and said she liked that diet, it’s the one where she lost all that weight drinking smoothies. The book went back to the library after that. Now, not to be mean, but my mom is what I refer to as a career dieter. She has tried every diet with the exception of Jenny Craig. She does nothing but talk about her new diet for a week then I have to take her to 3 different health food stores to find all this weird crap she needs for it. Then she tells the bag boy at Winn Dixie about her new diet while he’s bagging all her healthy stuff like the 15 year old really gives a damn. Then 2 weeks later she tells you how well she’s doing and all the weight she’s lost then about a week later she gets bored and goes right back to her old ways and her latest diet goes into the stack in the spare bedroom to be consumed by the dust bunnies.

The sad part is I have witnessed this over and over again most of my life. The good part is I know how to avoid it. With that being said I did my research on the internet and ran across another book titled Look Better Naked. I managed to find the book on Ebay for under $5.00 and my younger son is quite fond of the half naked chick on the front cover so it must be a winner.

I read thru it, absorbed the info, and planned to hit the ground running. Days 1 and 2 were a detox of no carbs what so ever. I can honestly say, it was a total bitch, stupid lying book! I did nothing but think about food, and I wanted it bad, very bad. I managed to get thru and did okay for a few days after, then life happened, like everything else and turned upside down. On top of that, my daughters baby shower was that weekend so the goodies were aplenty, diabetic coma style. Once again, my fridge was full of yummy petit fours, cupcakes, piggies in blankets and such I just couldn’t waste.

So after another week of not even having much of an appetite and life calming down a hair it was time to start watching what went in my mouth again. It’s really not easy, especially when you still want to have a life and go to lunch with friends and eat Taco Bell 3 times a week, but I tried.

Then I thought it would be a good idea to go buy some new clothes with my gift card I received for Christmas. Nothing like a few fresh pieces to wake up the wardrobe right? My gawd what a mistake. I drug my very pregnant daughter to the mall with me along with my mom and youngest in tow, hoping for some fashion guidance. That was my first mistake. The second mistake was actually going into the dressing room to try stuff on. I’m not sure if it’s the gawd awful lighting in these places or what, but I don’t know whose ass was in that dressing room looking back at me in the mirror. I honestly wanted to cry at what I was seeing. Is it possible I am really THAT out of shape and fluffy. Before purchasing a mu mu we decided to leave the mall.

The next day or so I kept replaying the scene in the dressing room horror movie that was my butt. I decided it was for real time to get this thing started, no more playing! I looked over my handy dandy book again, minus the half naked chick on the cover, now hidden in the desk drawer away from my son and went shopping.

I really am not a fan of buying weird shit just for a diet but I did purchase the soy milk for the smoothies and all the green goodies that would be my life for the next 2 days. I prepared as much stuff as I could in advance and made a big pot of homemade chili as 1 last who rah to my no carb lifestyle. I’m sorry carbs, but you are bad for me and I would like a flat stomach and perky butt while it’s still mine to be had.

Day 1 was actually not bad at all, but I’m pretty sure I kinda sorta cheated to a degree. I bypassed my nice healthy all green salad for a Whiskey river grilled chicken salad because I broke my salad dressing. Something about olive oil turning into an ugly rock when refrigerated, blah blah blah. In any case, my salad had croutons and cheese and 1 tomato and I inhaled the whole damn thing. I even came home and had enough energy to work out per the book, at least until I developed an audience so maybe halfway thru the workout.

I had my healthy dinner with the small cheat of adding a few water chestnuts to my cooked spinach. I went to bed and felt pretty good. Minus the dream of having not 1 but 2 hamburgers and being able to tell you in detail what was on them, then dreaming my ex boyfriend gave me head lice, it was a pretty normal night. Things were going well all day until that afternoon when an appointment at the hospital sent everything into a tailspin. I ended up hitting the vending machine for a cherry coke to share with Josh and then after getting out at after 8:30 burger and fries seemed like the ideal dinner for 2 people starving to death. Yeah I blew it totally. I jumped back on track the next morning feeling like shit from the bad dinner then double shit from not being able to workout the night before. Oh then there was the knocking my filling off my tooth causing me to do the damnit damnit dance.

The tooth worked to my benefit seeing as how it made it hard to eat much of anything. In the end, I ended up making chicken soup for dinner with all the horrible veggies and egg noodles I wasn’t supposed to have, sigh. Good news is I was actually able to finally poop even if it was all green, just like the salad from 2 days before. Carbs must have their place in the mix somewhere.

The next morning I still felt pretty good and vowed it was going to be a good day depending on what the dentist did to me. Then I got dressed, and something was wrong, really wrong. Why does my bra not fit? What the hell! Maybe the bra is broken, do a hand test, no they are slightly smaller. !@#$#$%^^&&* is going on? My ass is still here, but no, now I have no boobies!!!!! what a cruel joke you have played on me mother nature, you bitch! Who the hell do you think you are anyway? Take away my boobies and leave my thighs? I earned those boobies dammit, I’m the one who breast fed for 5 months not you. I’m gonna kick your ass so be prepared mother nature!

So now I have decided to look into selling my ovary renters for cash. I hear somebody will pay top dollar for them and it doesn’t look like I have any need for them now anyway. My office boyfriend Professor wombat also informed me that you can make upwards of $500.00 at amateur night at Wacko’s. I would only have to do it like 8 times to buy a decent boob job. And I guess if my eggs are too old and nobody wants to see me get naked to Gordon Lightfoot, I will just have to win the damn lottery and buy me some new boobies, big perky ones! I’ll teach you mother nature, you bitch.

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